This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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