omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
