I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
