I wanna bring you to show and tell
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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