Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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