Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
