he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
