I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
