i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
