Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
