Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just had sex bonerless
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
