Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
