I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
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Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
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It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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