Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
