I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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