I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
