I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
