New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
