Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
