those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
