can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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