I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
