saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
