I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
