I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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