thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
