Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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