so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We have started to decorate penises.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
