Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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