Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
