Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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