im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
