When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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