It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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