You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
