You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
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He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
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I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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