Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
