she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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