Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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