so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
