He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
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the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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