The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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