I'm drive I can fine osifer
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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