I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
