I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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