I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
