When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
