Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
