Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
