I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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