So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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