Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This show inspires me to have sex in space
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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