Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
