I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
my poor anus
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
